I got it for my birthday a few days ago! It was a good birthday present
I've never seen a president get assassinated A man and his wife are driving through a secluded area. The wife is in the passenger seat and the man is in the driver's seat. They have been driving for about an hour and the man is going crazy. He is screaming and panicking and has no idea what to do. The police arrive and the man is taken out of the car and taken to the hospital. He is in a coma and the doctors work tirelessly to try and save his life. A week later, the doctors put the man in a medically induced coma who is kept in there for almost 2 more years. When he finally wakes up, he sees the man from the night before. He is covered in plaster and barely standing. The man asks the doctor, "Where did I come from? My first wife was killed by a serial killer and my car was stolen from me. My wife is dead and I am stuck here, alone in this hellish place. Am I worth anything?" The doctor replies, "Well while you are in the coma you should probably go to the bar and get some beer." The man is shocked and says, "Well, that is an awfully big order for a man with the size of your wife." The doctor answers him, "The bar is 10 miles from here and it will be a beer." eats, shoots and leaves ..because I want to shoot kids inside of you. They're both fucking close to water. I guess they're better off left hanging They can smell it but they can't eat it. Only if you don't give them a ring.
*"I'm very pleased to say that you have passed our most critical end in your life. You have only one more reason to continue living, and that to my knowledge you have accomplished this by self-preserving your consciousness. You see, we at the top if a very wealthy family. But you have done nothing for the community either. You have done the only thing that has made you popular throughout your whole life. You have done nothing to benefit the society, you have done nothing to benefit the people. You have done nothing to earn your living. You have done nothing to exercise or socialize. You have done nothing to cure your illness. You have done nothing to gain your wisdom. You have done nothing to improve your family's standard of living. You have done nothing to help yourself. You have done the only thing that has ever made you happy. You have done nothing to improve the way you see the world or the world you serve. You have done nothing to make yourselves look pretty. You have done nothing to change your ways. You have done nothing to earn your living. You have done nothing to socialize your fellow man. You have done nothing to meet the expectations of those around you. You have done nothing to earn your love. You have done nothing to cure your sight or hear the beauty of the world. You have done nothing to realize how flawed and divided you are. You have done nothing to realize that your own existence is a failure, or a cruel mockery of who and what they are. You have done nothing to make yourself look good or fit for anyone but yourself. You have done nothing to realize that you have no control over where or how anyone else is going to live, no one to care for them. You have done nothing to care for people, or love them. You have done nothing to make yourselves feel cared for or cared for. You have done nothing to make yourselves feel at peace or cared for. You have done nothing to help yourself or help others. You have done nothing to make yourself feel beautiful or successful. You have done nothing to give yourself purpose and meaning. You have done nothing to make yourself feel secure and happy. You have done nothing to make others feel worthy or loved. You have done nothing to help yourself succeed. You have done nothing to make others succeed or reach their full potential. You have done nothing to make yourself successful and achieve their dreams. You have done nothing to realize that you have no control over your own happiness, no one to share in your hardships and success, no one to have a roof over their head. Maybe you have thought that life is for you, that it is your destiny to be successful and have a loving family. But I am here to tell you that life is not for you, that it is for someone else, and that to succeed you have to have a different set of skills and goals. For example, if you are a doctor, for every hour you work you would be exhausted. But if you are a lawyer, the time you work would be too long. But if you are a pilot, the time you work would be too short. But if you are a mechanic... Well, you would have to change the engine. He was crucified under a Pontiac. Husband: Yes but only on my own Accord. The Russian replies: "In Soviet Russia, bomb destroys world." Because the last black man to ever experience a blowjob was shot. They're true. He was very impressed by the way I turned a 1500 into a house. I'm a cashew
...but only for like 20 seconds... He said I don't understand what the problem was. I said "I don't understand it." He said it was a problem of perspective. Because he doesn't like it rind. Because it's the only way they can get a grip on the narrative. A husband and wife went to a sex therapist. The husband said "My wife has an invisible man". The therapist asked "what is that?" The husband said "you can just look" He says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw". A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." ...they all end in chapter eleven.
I don't know, I just click submit He was outstanding in his field. And it was delicious! ...they would have found it years ago if it hadn't been for the gullible old ladies playing basketball in the park. I can't move without them The Boy Scout comes back from camp. I don't know why. I'm an expert on the banana stand
The first one says to the other: "you man the guns, i'll drive." My wife gets mad when I try to put her in our bed. He used the wrong hand to write the Boston Creme de la Mode. But I can't get my head that far up my ass. It was a real dick-ac-block. ...but I got arrested for a DUI. But my boss said I was exceisting. I think I'm going to call it "The Con Nest"